Titties (and Titty Tats)

Every now and then, your children help you re-learn the value of something you otherwise just take for granted.

Like consonants, for example.

Emma has a knack for being able to speak entire paragraphs without using hardly any consonants. In fact, at age 3, we're starting to get mildly concerned and might have her checked out by a speech therapist. But in the mean time, we have the interesting challenge of trying to figure out what she's talking about.

Lately, she's been extremely interested in cats...or kitties. Or, in her case, titties. It's an interesting situation, as she's *always* talking about titties. And heck, she's even using consonants this time...just not the right ones!

So if anyone hears Emma's titty talk, please don't blush or criticize...she's just talking cats.

And making me yearn for the day that she picks up a few other consonants in her bag of tricks. Because for goodness sake, they're pretty important after all.

Up Late

There's something about being up late with your baby that can be really fun, even if you're normally not prone to waking up randomly for an hour or so each night.

As you can tell by the photo on the left (click to enlarge), Annie can be quite enthusiastic about being up late. She pumps her fists in the air, makes lots of joyful noises, and is even starting to grin now and then. (this last detail might be random, but still, how can you not see it as a sign of happiness?)

I, of course, don't wake up quite as joyfully as she does. But in time, I have to admit that I really enjoy these moments. Each night that goes by, that I can spend holding her, I feel that this is most precious time--- time that you never really get once they're grown. And I know this--- I've even tried waking up our older girls, to sit quietly in the living room and listen to The Jazz Image on the radio late on a Saturday night. So far, I've not been successful in getting them to wake up, so that time tends to remain a solo activity, which is fine.

But Annie's showing me that she is probably up for it. Babies and jazz...the improvised movements and expressions...I guess they go together real fine.

The Jitters

Sunday afternoons are often pretty relaxing for us, as we lazily spend time at my mother-in-law's house having brunch, and then often a few hours afterwards letting the kids do their thing while we visit or nap. It's a lot like the Sundays I spent at my grandparents' homes near Duluth when I was growing up.

Yesterday was a little different, though. After brunch, my hands started to get sweaty and I felt a lump growing in my stomach. I was clearly feeling nervous. Something was about to happen.

Sarah's piano recital.

It's funny how your own child's performances can have you relive your own performance anxieties--- it certainly is the case with me. I used to be extremely scared of my piano recitals and dreaded them. In hindsight, I don't know what I was so worried about. They were almost always in my piano teacher's home, so they were small in scale, and I usually did pretty well.

Sarah's recitals are in a small recital hall at Schmitt Music in Edina. There's a real stage with spotlights and everything. Maybe that's what gets me so nervous; the child piano player in me equates it with Carnegie Hall, and starts to get all stressed out about it ahead of time.

But Sarah acts pretty cool and doesn't seem to be that nervous. She calmly listens to the other pianists, goes up when it's her turn and plays a near-perfect performance, and returns to her seat. The jaded pro.

While I sit there wringing my hands and trying to keep those butterflies calm in my stomach.

3+1

Last night was one of Annie's first bad nights...not horrible, but she was awake enough that I got to share in the burden. (I was immune from this until recently, when she started to take a bottle a little...but just enough that nighttime feedings are no longer just the domain of mother and daughter)

As I cradled her in the big reading chair that we have upstairs, Anne just stared at me. She has started to fix her gaze upon things a little more, and last night, it really seemed like she was trying to stare me down. And maybe give me a message.

You see, this time around, I was much more scared of having a 4th child. I went through much of the pregnancy with a mixture of denial, regret, fear, and apprehension. I would think of all the reasons that we shouldn't have gotten pregnant: kids are expensive, weren't three enough?, we're going to become insanely busy, resources are scarce as they are, do we have enough space?, there are too many children in the world already, weren't three enough?, and, in fact, weren't two enough...and weren't we already one over our limit?

So last night seemed to be my night of reckoning. Annie threw enough of a fit to get me out of bed and hold her, so she could stare me down. (at 3 a.m., of course....what's wrong with the afternoon?) She fixed those large eyes on me and stared, unblinking. She looked, and looked, and finally, the words that I think she was thinking were entering my mind...

So, you think I'm one too many, huh?

And that you had enough children before me?

And maybe the world had too many children already?

Uh...Annie...look, I didn't mean any of it...

Sure, dad, those eyes seemed to say.

So do you also think there are already enough songs in the world? Maybe enough art, too? Should people stop singing and painting, because we already have enough of that?

Errr...Annie, now wait a minute...

How about books? Surely, we have more than enough to read already...too much, in fact. No one has time to read all of the books in the world! And books aren't doing much for the trees, are they? Terrible, that people keep writing books and ruining forests.

* silence *

Well, anyway, here I am...you've got me now. Just like all those books on your book shelf. Are we too many, or just enough, or what?

---

I am still somewhat scared by having this little girl in our house, scared to have this 4th child to feed, care for, and raise. But she's an awfully beautiful little baby. And of course she's right--- I would be even more scared of a world where we already decided that we had enough of everything that is precious, and that we decided to stop creating more. Sure, there are plenty of children in the world already...plenty of music...plenty of books...plenty of everything. And we continue to soil the planet by making, writing, and recording more of our creations. And I suppose we really don't need any of it. But then again, the world didn't need me or you either, dear reader.

Fortunately for us, some people thought otherwise, and so here we are.

Thanks, Annie, for setting me straight at last.