3+1

Last night was one of Annie's first bad nights...not horrible, but she was awake enough that I got to share in the burden. (I was immune from this until recently, when she started to take a bottle a little...but just enough that nighttime feedings are no longer just the domain of mother and daughter)

As I cradled her in the big reading chair that we have upstairs, Anne just stared at me. She has started to fix her gaze upon things a little more, and last night, it really seemed like she was trying to stare me down. And maybe give me a message.

You see, this time around, I was much more scared of having a 4th child. I went through much of the pregnancy with a mixture of denial, regret, fear, and apprehension. I would think of all the reasons that we shouldn't have gotten pregnant: kids are expensive, weren't three enough?, we're going to become insanely busy, resources are scarce as they are, do we have enough space?, there are too many children in the world already, weren't three enough?, and, in fact, weren't two enough...and weren't we already one over our limit?

So last night seemed to be my night of reckoning. Annie threw enough of a fit to get me out of bed and hold her, so she could stare me down. (at 3 a.m., of course....what's wrong with the afternoon?) She fixed those large eyes on me and stared, unblinking. She looked, and looked, and finally, the words that I think she was thinking were entering my mind...

So, you think I'm one too many, huh?

And that you had enough children before me?

And maybe the world had too many children already?

Uh...Annie...look, I didn't mean any of it...

Sure, dad, those eyes seemed to say.

So do you also think there are already enough songs in the world? Maybe enough art, too? Should people stop singing and painting, because we already have enough of that?

Errr...Annie, now wait a minute...

How about books? Surely, we have more than enough to read already...too much, in fact. No one has time to read all of the books in the world! And books aren't doing much for the trees, are they? Terrible, that people keep writing books and ruining forests.

* silence *

Well, anyway, here I am...you've got me now. Just like all those books on your book shelf. Are we too many, or just enough, or what?

---

I am still somewhat scared by having this little girl in our house, scared to have this 4th child to feed, care for, and raise. But she's an awfully beautiful little baby. And of course she's right--- I would be even more scared of a world where we already decided that we had enough of everything that is precious, and that we decided to stop creating more. Sure, there are plenty of children in the world already...plenty of music...plenty of books...plenty of everything. And we continue to soil the planet by making, writing, and recording more of our creations. And I suppose we really don't need any of it. But then again, the world didn't need me or you either, dear reader.

Fortunately for us, some people thought otherwise, and so here we are.

Thanks, Annie, for setting me straight at last.